When a domestic violence case involving a celebrity suddenly went viral, netizens were immediately furious. Everyone criticized without command. Condemning comments flooded news accounts on social media, especially Instagram and TikTok. A piece of video that was considered barbaric was also attacked by comments of disgust towards husbands who commit violence. 

Domestic violence perpetrators clearly are no brainers! (Photo: freepik)

 

In a community WhatsApp group, this hot issue became even hotter when it was deliberately raised as a topic of discussion one evening. One member said that the evil husband was said to have many businesses. 

How dare the weak

To this news, I responded spontaneously, short and swooping: 

"Yes, I have a lot of business, but no brains!" 

My response may be harsh, but that is the right word to criticize a husband whose brain is short-circuited. Why not, he who was suspected of having an affair was actually so violent in beating his helpless wife. 

There are no words that can describe his actions other than cruel and cowardly. Obviously has a brain, but can't think. If his brain was functioning properly, he would definitely look for a balanced opponent. Instead of a weak wife, she can compete in the boxing or MMA ring. 

Unfortunately, he was timid and cowardly enough to fight like a man. Choose a comparable opponent, who can launch a counterattack with tactics and calculations.

Perhaps, he has already considered that if he looks for a comparable opponent outside, he will definitely lose. Never mind attacking, the chance of dodging was as thin as the skin of an onion.

Why are domestic violence victims reluctant to report?

Not long after the video clip went viral, the East Java Kompasiana blogger community held an Instagram Live which highlighted the phenomenon of domestic violence in society, especially what happens to women as vulnerable or marginalized groups.

As soon as I got off the commuter train departing from Surabaya to Lamongan, I immediately watched IG Live which started at 19.00 WIB. The discussion and sharing went smoothly, guided by Mbak Dian, a Sidoarjo blogger who accompanied the resource person, namely an advocate and administrator of the PPA (protection of women and children) DPC PERADI Surabaya.

From Zaitun Taher, the name of the advocate, I can extract at least three reasons why women who are victims of domestic violence are reluctant to report to the authorities. And this is important to report as a warning so that it doesn't happen again.

The first reason is that women are filled with fear. He felt worried because he received intimidation and threats from his partner who had the potential to repeat the violent act. 

Mrs. Zaitun gave an example, one time a husband threatened a victim of domestic violence,

"If you dare to do anything, dare to report or tell your family, then I'll do it. Now you're the only one who gets hit, then your family will get hit too. I'll destroy your family!"

Imagine if a manipulative husband spouted words like that continuously, then over time the wife would lose her identity. His self-confidence will collapse, his enthusiasm for life will be undermined. 

The second reason domestic violence victims are reluctant to make a report is because they do not have a reliable support system. He felt isolated and squeezed in a world that dwarfed him. Trauma makes it difficult for him to even just express his heart.

There was a case where a victim complained to his extended family. However, it was not support that she received, but advice that she be patient in dealing with her husband's behavior because domestic violence is part of the ordeal in the household.

Mrs. Zaitun retorted, "Oh no! That's wrong, it's a criminal act! Including a criminal act," she said firmly that domestic violence should not be normalized as a form of test in the family. 

The final reason is that domestic violence victims do not yet have economic independence. Women are reluctant to reveal their husband's domestic violence because they worry that financial support will be cut off if they divorce. Not to mention if you already have children, divorce can present a new crisis because children usually go with their mother.

The need to build independence

Mrs. Zaitun does not hesitate to recommend that wives start to build independence both emotionally and especially economically. She believes that today's women are getting smarter, they are already clever at how to survive by taking advantage of various digital opportunities. There are many opportunities to earn rupiah without having to leave home.

However, everything certainly requires a process. Having your own income cannot be realized overnight. What is no less important is to stabilize yourself emotionally. Because as mentioned by the host that night, sometimes women still don't have the courage to make decisions - including reporting - even though they already have their own income.

The victims of domestic violence experienced a crisis of self-confidence, their lives were deliberately dwarfed by their husbands who relentlessly carried out intimidation and manipulation so that the women were covered in deep trauma and had difficulty thinking clearly.

However, one thing is certain: women are tactical creatures. They can use their brains and various life skills to make money or decide to live independently. Because they have brains that function optimally, unlike domestic violence perpetrators whose brains are underdeveloped or short-circuited even though they may have a lot of business.

This morning I had breakfast with Lamongan's typical boran chili sauce. I had prepared this sambal (condiment) for my meal at dawn because I was fasting today. But when I woke up this morning, the morning prayer at the mosque had already finished. 

This means that the time for sahur has passed. I broke my fast because I couldn't stand it without eating sahur. 

Breakfast is something we should be grateful about

After eating a few bites, I remembered that there was half a board of tempeh in the refrigerator. This tempe is typical, a product sold by neighbors close to home - tenacious migrants from Bogor. Just soak it in salt water and then fry it and it is very delicious.

 

"I forgot I had tempeh, I should have fried it first. It's perfect for making friends with boran chili sauce," I said spontaneously.

Accompanying dishes such as tender and ointment are already dry, so you need a savory side dish other than a fried egg. 

"Especially if there are chips!" I snapped again as if jumping.

From the kitchen, Mother Xi replied, "You human being, when you can eat you still need this or that to complement it!" short and I was immediately insulted.

I continued eating until I finished because I had to rush to take my youngest to school. If you think about it, it's true, humans sometimes slip up. Asking for this, asking for that even though you already get so much. 

The various pleasures and facilities of life are often neglected because of lust. The feeling of not having enough gnaws at yourself because you want something extra. 

Suddenly I remembered a piece of Cak Nun's song:

If not, I want to already 

When you have it, you want to add more 

After adding it, I want more 

Want it again and again

Crickets, I've been carried away by the urge to overeat. But, it's not about breakfast....

ONE of the dilemmatic decisions in my life was when I had to resign from my job as a book editor 15 years ago. At that time I worked at a popular book publishing house in the Depok while I lived in Bogor. The 4 hour trip made it difficult for me to survive due to chronic pain that could not be compromised.

If I quit my job, it means I will lose my source of income. However, if I continue to work in the office, that means I torture myself by commuting quite far with my concentration disturbed due to fatigue and illness.

After thinking hard and considering many things, I finally decided to resign and then work completely from home as a freelancer. Yes, with a weak physical condition, being a freelance editor and translator without fixed hours at the office has remained a logical solution.

Orders to edit and translate books mostly came from friends or acquaintances, including from the publisher where I previously worked. At that time my wife was still working in another publishing company but finally stopped completely when our eldest child was born a year later.

The Luck Charm is JNE 

Apart from working as a freelance editor and translator, I also looked at selling books published by my previous office. Because I took the book directly from the publisher, I also got a fairly big discount so that buyers could buy the book at a price below market price.

It's not just affordable prices that I offer to potential buyers, but also easy delivery via trusted expeditions. Buying books from me saves time, energy, and maintains practicality. Without needing to visit a bookstore, orders will go to their respective addresses while they do other more productive things.

The expedition I originally used was JNE in the Pakuan campus area and then switched to JNE Soleh Iskandar once we moved in the vicinity. Choosing JNE as a reliable expedition for every delivery has proven to be profitable. Close to our house, JNE also offers a variety of delivery services and has a wide reach so that buyers in the most distant cities can buy the books I sell without having to worry about whether they will arrive or not. Shipping rates are relatively affordable.

Great lesson from salmon

My choice to become friends with JNE turned out to be very valid. Especially after reading a book fragment by Dr. Ir. BS. Kusmuljono entitled Get Out of the Dead End. Salmon initially live in fresh waters (rivers), which is when their eggs hatch. Hatching in November, the small fish called alevin then settle among the pebbles at the bottom of the river; survive by eating plankton. When the food supply runs out, the alevin then leave the riverbed in May-June and turn to fry.

Fry develop into smolts which continue to move to the mouth of the river towards the open sea. While at sea, salmon travel for up to 4-7 years and have to face predators such as seals, birds and humans. Once they reach adulthood and are ready to reproduce, salmon that live in colonies will gather with other colonies to prepare for the journey back to the river where they were born.

The journey home was clearly not easy. For months salmon have to navigate rocks, swim against strong currents, jump over waterfalls and be ready to face the main predator, namely the bear. Uniquely, while swimming back to the river, salmon fast. They don't eat anything, only relying on fat reserves in the body as a source of energy. It is during this phase that many salmon die either due to injury, exhaustion, and of course being eaten by predators.

Once in the river, the few remaining salmon prepare a burrow 25-30 cm deep where the female salmon lays 3,000-8,000 eggs to be fertilized by the male salmon. When fertilization is complete, the burrow is covered with gravel while the male and female salmon hang around it until they run out of energy and eventually die. The carcasses rot and are eaten by bacteria and turned into natural fertilizer. The fertilizer is then eaten by plankton and small insects which in the future will become food for small salmon (alevin).

Looking at the salmon's journey, there are business lessons between the lines. That business can be started by building a market first. If the market has been created, then we move to production. Thanks to shipping via JNE, I have a buyer base. To optimize profits, I need to follow up this trade to the industrial sector, namely by making my own goods.

That's when market penetration is not an easy matter, it requires large capital and great struggle, like salmon that challenge the strong currents of the ocean (downstream) to be able to advance to the river (upstream) to reproduce.

Delivery with JNE makes the market wide open. So I have a buyer base. This means that as trade progresses, I add to my sales collection with books from other publishers which I often get from book fairs at Gramedia at discount prices. Income also increased thanks to indie book publishing by writer friends, most of whom chose JNE as the shipping expedition.

Since August, I have take a new role. I call it new because I haven't been involved in it for a long time, even though I used to do it around 2005 before graduating from college. Being a teacher, that's what I've been busy with lately. I remember that period when I worked quite hard. Really challenging but very impressive.

Gaining confidence in teaching

Working in Three Places

The story is interesting because since writing my thesis, I have worked in three places at once. My daily activities start from 8 to 2 pm working as a freelance translator at a social foundation. Even though I'm social, I still get paid even though it's not much. Very useful for building a portfolio and improving the economy.

After leaving the office, I went home to shower and clean up. After that, I went to an English course which was not far from the boarding house. So it's not always motorized because the distance is only about 1-2 km. If I want to walk, I go without a motorbike.

In the evening I went to the student's house to give private lessons. This private tutoring is managed by a tutoring institution that specifically sends teachers to students' homes as needed. Perhaps this is a form of convenience and benefit offered as added value to tutoring.

Work Challenges in your 40s

Unexpectedly, I am now reliving memories of the past. In order to make money, I had to go back to the classroom to teach English. Actually, for the last 15 years I have also worked, namely as a blogger and freelance translator. Unfortunately, after the pandemic the economy cannot recover as before. Earning money is increasingly difficult, people do whatever they can to earn a living—including me.